Humor

From Maxine

/ Tim A. / 1 Comment
I received this in my emails, and thought some of you might enjoy.  If you have already seen it, enjoy it again.
Subject: MAXINE – scroll down
Maxine should run for president — she was right on with this one!                                           
Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country lately…illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida.
Not me — I concentrate on solutions for the problems — it’s
a win-win situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Yes!

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our
government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 12 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.  

 
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ….
why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.


THE 10 COMMANDMENTS  

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments
posted in a courthouse is this — you cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal”“Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.
Also, think about this … if you don’t want to forward this for fear of
offending someone — YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!   

It is time for America to speak up!

Yep, I passed it on!

Update on Coffee Maker –

/ Tim A. / 2 Comments

On day 355 I posted that I wanted a new coffee maker because mine had died.  Good news.  On Monday January 18, 2016 I bought a new one, and I have had coffee every morning since.

I thought this might be too serious a matter to neglect by not sharing with my readers.  🙂

Liberal and Conservative

/ Tim A. / Leave a comment

Here is a little more humor.  I need it once in awhile, and I know you do too.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Conservative.” “I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.” The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Liberal.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now somehow, it’s all my fault.”

Have a great and godly weekend.

-Tim A. Blankenship

Curtain Rods

/ Tim A. / Leave a comment

You may have already read this or heard it somewhere, but I thought it might be good to laugh today.

CURTAIN RODS—- PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

 

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

 

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

 

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

 

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

 

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

 

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

 

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

 

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

 

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked

 

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.

 

The maid quit.

 

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

 

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

 

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

 

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

 

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

 

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

 

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

 

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

 

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…….. .

 

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

We all need a good laugh occasionally.  God bless you and have a great day in the Lord.

-Tim A. Blankenship

Tips For Dealing With Life’s Burdens

/ Tim A. / Leave a comment

I found this in PreachingNow weekly e-newsletter.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.

It’s the second mouse that gets the cheese.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

We could learn a lot from crayons–some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, and some have weird names, but they all have to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have a great weekend, and especially on Sunday join with brothers and sisters in your local church and worship the Lord.

-Tim A. Blankenship

A Little Humor

/ Tim A. / Leave a comment

We hear alot these days about Progress.  I live near Branson, Missouri and the very reason people have moved to the Branson area is because of the beautiful Ozark hills, and the music.

The other day a friend and I drove to the Branson hospital to see a mutual friend who is having problems with a knee.  As we were coming down the long hillside on the West side of town you could see a lot of progress.  My friend I was with had just said a while before that, “The very reason people have moved here is for the beauty of the hills, and the progress has leveled some of those hills, filling in valleys to build buildings and parking lots”.  The progress you see coming down that hill is the cuts in the side of a hill and white limestone.  I guess that is progress.

Do you know what the opposite of Pro-gress is?  Con-gress.

See.  I do know how to laugh once in a while.